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27 December 2016 @ 03:02 am
I have come so far.
As a person, as a soul inside of a body.
When I first wrote in this little corner of the internet, I needed an outlet. And my home life was so unstable, I felt unsafe 90% of the time. I knew that writing my thoughts down was dangerous. Was a risk.
Now, years later...I have a home. I've lived here for two years now, comfortably and safely. Sure, it's a basement (Sue and Ella's, to be precise) and sure, I don't have 100% freedom here. But it's a good place, a calm place. I finally have found some semblance of peace.

I went to Europe. I traveled there for 2 months, through 10 countries. I've been to Canada twice now. I've lived a polyamorous lifestyle for two years, and learned what it means to love myself, and to love someone else without possessing them. It has been transformative and beautiful.

My grandmother is dying.

I haven't figured out how to deal with it. I just shrug. Sigh deeply. Tonight, my Grandpa cried. He put her to bed, helped her with every step. Helped setup her oxygen. Then he came back to the living room, and he cried. We talked about his sister Violet, who passed away many years ago. I don't remember her at all. We talked about my travels, and life. My Grandpa called me wise.
We talked about how afraid he is. How he doesn't know what to do. How he is watching my Gram fade away. How overwhelmed he is trying to make sure she takes the right meds, eats the right food. How he is terrified to leave her alone at the house, so doing errands is increasingly hard.
How she used to balance the checkbook and pay the bills. She can't remember how and he is just now learning how to do these things.

I had no idea what to say. My heart was breaking. But I had no words. None at all. What can you say?? There is no comfort to give, no "it gets better" to be said. His wife is dying and he knows it. And she's been "dying" for some time now. No one knows how long we have left with her. She's a tough woman.

You know she was my Kenpo sensei when i was a kid? This woman was the first person who taught me that it's okay for a girl to know how to throw a good punch, to stand up for myself. And that you are never too old to learn that. She was 59 when she got her sensei degree.

I feel like I have done so much, grown so much, come so far. And I still have no idea what to say or how to react or how to handle this.
04 December 2014 @ 03:40 pm
I haven't felt the need to post here in two years. Imagine that.

I used to write new things here every other day, sometimes more than once a day. Two years. Seems like a long time to just hush up.

Dan and I broke up 3 days before Thanksgiving. He pulled a crazy. Cops showed up, the whole she-bang.

And you know what? I miss him like fucking mad. I stayed in bed pretty much all day the past 3 days because I feel so broken and defeated. Barely sleeping. Barely eating. Barely living. And for what? For a guy who is too SCARED of his destructive side to fix things, but too PROUD to go get help? Maybe it's not pride. I don't know what it is. But the idea of even just talking to someone, it doesn't go over well with him. So he doesn't want us to get back together. Because he's afraid of what will happen next time.

Guess what, asshole?! I've had that fear every single fucking time we fought over the past 4 years. And this last time? It was not nearly as bad as it HAS gotten. But go ahead, run. Run far far away. Don't look back. Don't ever. Because I have poured my heart into us. Because I fought through my fear for 4 fucking years. But you can't. You want us to remain friends.

I don't think so. Because I fucking love you. And I would not be able to stand there and watch you hold another person, someone who isn't me. I would not be able to be happy for you without being the most miserable person alive. And you keep saying you want me to be happy. I can be happy with you. But I cannot be happy as just friends with you. That doesn't work, and it's not fair of you to expect that from me. The minute I flirt with, or go on a date with, anyone who isn't you, you'll react the same way Pat did. Protective, angry, and hurt. Even though he didn't want me. He didn't want anyone else to have me either. You'll do the same fucking thing. And so will I.

Because love doesn't just end. And it would break my heart every single day, every moment. To be around you and not WITH you.

And if that's what it comes to? The only way I know of to make it stop hurting is to hate you. Hate you for doing this, hate you for not being brave enough, hate you for not loving me enough, hate you for giving up. Hate might not be stronger than love, but it's a lot easier to deal with, a lot easier to go on living my life if I hate you than if I kept you in my heart.

Of course I'll always love you. Right? That doesn't just go away. But it will hurt and I'll be damned if I admit it.

Take your space. Take your time. But goddammit, come back to me. Fix yourself so we can be okay again.

I don't know how to live on this Earth without you.

Please don't make me.
24 December 2012 @ 12:11 am
Today, my word is Frustrated.

I am frustrated with the holiday season. I'm skipping Christmas this year, because I don't feel like playing nice and acting like everything at home is fine. Living with my Dad, his gf, and her kids. Working my ass off to move out of here. I'm being unfair, I've been told. But fuck this. My extended family had more chance to get to know this woman in the few years her and my dad have been dating than I did. I didn't even know her last name until a few days before I was moved in here. I have no respect for her because her life choices go against every value my Dad has ever taught me. Her kids are fucking comfortable as hell in MY DAD'S HOUSE because it is full of his GIRLFRIEND'S furniture.

A friend of mine came by to see the place a few days ago. She asked me why my Dad and I decided to move into his girlfriend's house. I told her it was my dad's house. She looked around and said, I don't see a single thing from you guys' place.

And you know what?

Neither do I, except in my own room. I don't even see my Dad anymore. He doesn't bother to act like he gives a shit, though of course he swears he does.

So I'm skipping Christmas, avoiding all family contact. Because you know that saying, if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all? Seems like a good idea to stick with that.

Doesn't help that my boyfriend keeps telling me I'm being ridiculous,selfish, spoiled, et cetera. He and I are very opposite people, coming from very different backgrounds. I try my damnedest not to judge his life, his choices, or his familial relations. So he can pretty much fuck off when it comes to this. But it works out that I pretty much am unable to complain about anything at home, and if I ever choose to do so, I am told in just so many words by him that I am being a bitch.

Work is going great though.
I love my job, entirely and wholeheartedly. My boss is charming and makes me feel appreciated for the effort I've put in. I've become acquainted with some really amazing and varied clients, and even have a few that have rebooked with me more than once, which is such a great feeling, and completely reinforces my career choice. It's nice to have at least that. Work has become the happiest time of my day lately. I take my time when it comes to leaving the office. Home is miserable, boyfriend is miserable. While I try to cheer him up as best I can, there isn't much I can do to make things better. His life is in a downward spiral, and he has the unfortunate habit of taking it out on the one person who is closest to him. I'm not going anywhere, but I feel my patience wearing very thing sometimes lately.

So yeah, Frustrated and venting as usual. Whiney, bitchy, honest little old me. Nothing new here.
10 December 2012 @ 03:55 am
Tonight, my word is Dependent.

Here I am, updating my darling's resume, because I looked at it and noticed a few things that could use some touching up. And as I worked, I eventually got frustrated with it, and started from scratch. Downloaded a nice new layout for him, re-wrote it, filed it away, and made another page for his references. And it looks great, if I do say so. =) I've been offering to take a look at it for months for him, and finally just snagged a copy of it off his external the last time he left it plugged into my laptop. I hope he likes it, and if not, oh well, he can stick with the copy he has.

Then I found myself digging through craigslist, looking at job listings. Not for myself, but for him.

At around this same moment, I realized, I don't want to take care of someone like this. I don't want to treat him as though I am his mother! I'm not, am I?? I just want to help him find something stable, get his life on track.

In a selfish way, I want him to be more reliable. Have a car, a phone, a direction with his life. And I know that no one else is helping him with this. So I guess that's why I'm trying to step up to the plate.

I'm working towards building my own future, my own stability. And yet, a part of me wishes that he were more reliable in that sense. We both need to get our asses in gear and get out of our parents' places. But I can't honestly rely on him to be able to do that himself...which isn't his fault at all. Right?

I don't know, my head is in a million places. I guess it doesn't help that my ex will be home for the holidays in a week. Bleh.
11 November 2012 @ 02:01 am
Today my word is Cruel.

Because I am finding, more and more, that I am crueler than I ever intend to be. That I can be so horrible, so mean, so despicable, that even I don't want to be around myself.

Today I used my words to hurt someone I care deeply for. Someone who is my best friend, my lover, my other half. He walked away. It hit me, all at once, how deeply my words had cut through him. The shocking part was, that he came back. And tried to comfort me. After I may as well have cut off one of his arms, so harsh were the words I said.

And the realization hit that I don't deserve his love. Or anyone else's. I am mean. I have tried my whole damn life to be the nicest person in the whole world. And I am, to everyone I meet at work, on the street, in school. But to the one person to whom my kindness should be given to without a second thought, I judge. And I become sarcastic, awful, cruel.

So today, my word is cruel. Because the day has shown me that I am much more alike to the person I try my hardest to avoid being like. My goddamn slut of a mother. I don't think I'll ever make her mistakes. But those little personality traits? I picked those up. Artistic, animal-and-plant-lover, baker, cruel.

17 August 2012 @ 02:43 am
I've been terribly stressed.

Dan and I have been fighting so viciously for about two weeks now. We're both very stressed, and the smallest thing has been setting us off. Meh. I really hope that ends. We can both get so mean. I know I for SURE can be absolutely horrible. It's not on purpose of course, and we always make up later on. But it's hellish and just absurd.

I have less than 2 weeks to move into the new house. and goddamnit, i don't want to at all. I feel like I ought to have my shit together by now. By that I mean, I really wish I had the money to just live on my own. Eventually, eventually.

Besides that. I hate when I have a moment of regret for doing something I knew was the right thing for the situation. Especially when I would do the same thing again if it happened.

Weird mood tonight. Just really need a break from the bullshit.
01 August 2012 @ 02:19 am
Today, my word is: Celebration!

While this is something I don't mention on here, ever, due to my feelings that religion should be kept to oneself, I have been a practicing wiccan for about 6 years now. Solitary practice got a bit lonely after so long, so I finally opened myself to my loving and wonderful friends a few months back, inviting them all to a Beltane festival at my house (May Day, for laymen ^_^) This was gloriously wonderful and successful. It was great to have so many people be utterly respectful, and genuinely curious about the path that I follow.

Today is Lammas (or Lughnasadh, depending on your path) and I have no clue how I will be celebrating, besides some simple solitary harvesting. Amazingly, tonight is going to be a full moon as well, which is delightful! And to top it off, we have a SECOND full moon this month (a blue moon) which won't happen again until july, 2015! How exciting!

Hmm...anyway, so I feel all giddy and excited for today, as well as this month in general. I think it will be a good one =)

At the end of this month though, I will be moving into my Dad's new house. His gf and her kids are already all moved in, but I'm taking my time. It's weird and uncomfortable.

So to start the countdown, I now have 31 days to move. In that time, I want to get a lot of things done. Cleaning, selling off things I no longer need, et cetera. It's gonna be a busy month!!

Anyway, Blessed Lammas!!
01 July 2012 @ 11:49 pm
Today, my word is trouble.

Because that is what I am certainly asking for.

I graduated! That should be the most important thing on my mind. Right? RIGHT??

Well, it's not. Yesterday was my graduation party. My ex's mother came. She is an amazing woman, who I never cease speaking highly of. I love her so very dearly.
His older brother came by as well. He is also like family to me, a wonderfully supportive and quirky fellow.

My ex flew back from florida yesterday, as he goes to school down there. We haven't spoken since...gosh, I think February. I check his fb once in a while from a secondary account that I don't think he realizes he is still friends with. I blocked him on my other one, so that I didn't have to see his name on a daily basis, only when I chose to. I look because, while shit was fucked up between us, we had our good times. I still care about his well-being. I just can't have him in my life, for my own well-being.

He posted a status congratulating me on graduating. I was shocked I guess. I had tried my very damnedest to end things on a really bad note so that he would want nothing to do with me ever again. A sort of back-up plan if i got weak knees and reached out to him.

Anyway, seeing that...I just couldn't stop thinking about him for the past two days. Just wanting to let him know that I saw it. That I wanted to thank him for it, but didn't want him to think that was an invite back into my life...if that makes sense...it seemed rude to ignore it.

I know. Fucking really. I'm an idiot and all that. But I finally broke down, messaged him, nothing much, not even 10 words.

I feel awful for it though. There's so much I want to say to him that common decency won't allow. The disgusting pig fucked up my life and now that I have it all back together again...the last thing i need is him back in it. So what am I doing??? ASKING FOR TROUBLE BECAUSE I AM AN IDIOT.

I need a drink...
What do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor, what do you do with a drunken sailor.....earl-eye in the marn-ing?

Why, offer him breakfast and a strong cup of coffee, so that we may carry on with our sailing voyage. Logically.

In the time that it is taking me to write these words, what could I be doing to improve my life? Or to improve your life? There are some questions we don't ask ourselves because the answers are scary and hard. I WANT scary and hard. Because from these, there may come the most astounding thing: Discovery. Self-improvement. Knowledge. Success. Love.

Those words that we hear all the time and mean little more than being unattainable or unrealistic goals.

Today, I am thinking, what if they are realistic? What if not taking those things seriously is exactly what causes all of our problems?

I want to push myself to be better, be more aware, to not only exist, but live, and live wildly!

Today, my word is optimistic.

What's yours?
23 April 2012 @ 12:10 am
I may have said this before, but to re-iterate...sometimes, when i get mad, i don't want to be calmed down, cheered up, or commiserated with. I want to bitch, moan, and simply BE MAD.

To me, this is healthy. I go back to my balanced, buttery state of existence quickly. Today at work, i had a "BE MAD" Moment. I made a tuna-bacon-lettuce-tomato-cheese-melt-sub-in-a-hotdog-roll, hid in the office for ten minutes, and ANGRILY ate my tasty treat.

And in those 600 seconds, I re-assessed, sighed, and let go. A stupid customer, a wasted amount of my time, gas, effort, and energy. I couldn't change those. But I could change how I felt about them. Gotta admit, I was still mad as hell. But I was composed, and focused again, and could go back to taking deliveries and being all friendly-like.

But really, sometimes you just need to take a moment and dive into that furious anger, and loll about for a bit, before deciding to leave it be. Nothing wrong with that.

Also, bruins won today. So they're going to game 6.
I adore the bruins, but haven't really followed their seasons until recent years. They've been playing well, phenomenally.
But to be honest, sometimes it really makes me wonder if I'm just a "fair-weather" fan who is unawares of it. Wouldn't that be a trying circumstance to find oneself in? Curiouser and curiouser I suppose.

Oh. I've decided that I would like to someday be a millionaire, simply so that when i do strange things, people just pass it off as "oh that's the crazy rich lady down the way. Don't mind her." Rather than "OH GOD look out its that crazy bitch! Keep your kids away from her!"

Life goals. We all have them, right?